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 Hunters of Venice: Pilot

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Tiduseya
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:25 pm

I give you kudos for the ability to create a Pilot Chapter, but as an aspiring Mangaka shouldn't you cover the basics first? There is no real seperation of the Panels, so it's easy to get lost (Especially in the begining) and the Art doesn't really match the story. While I understand that because you are both the Author, and the Artist, you can't really do a seperate style. Is this simply a Name? Would the Possible Manuscript be better? I'm nothing close to an Editor so I can only say all this from a Reader's point of view. Personally Vampires as a plot device has already been milked quite a bit so introducing your first antagonist was dry...but I liked the fact that you made his transformation actually Bat-like. Thinking inside the box was a good-choice. All of this new-age stuff has become too bland and I respect your aim for the oldies.

Once again, your main Protagonist, a newbie whose parents were killed by what he tries to hunt. That idea is an eyesore so I can't give much positive reinforcement for that, not to mention the innocense of a child refusing to take a life. Noble, but too linear...seeing a character actually lose themselves and go against what we think should have happened is a great Hook. If Raphael had taken a moment or two to think about whether it was right for him to finish off his downed opponent, and then finally lifted up the crossbow and fired it straight to it's heart...I would have been very pleased. Showing a small glimmer of potential growth in the character, like an inner struggle.

With the Average size of each panel, and the number of Characters you introduced, it was hard to disinguish them without going back and reading previous pages. When creating a Pilot, you want to make characters that you could pick out of a crowd very easily. The man with the Glasses was the only one I could distinguish consistantly because he stood out from the rest of the Blondes (Or whatever color their hair actually is) I think you're next step should be to work on each character seperately, making sure to give them all unique qualities and Characteristics.
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:45 pm

Thanks for the vivid review Tidus, and I assure you, there will be no sparkles in my story Razz, I don't have much to work with in page layout, just a ruler and a cramped space. As for style I always stuck with the same throughout my drawings, I had a few old comics, one was purely in the comedy theme, but my style always remained the same. As for the whole vampire issue, though there will be plenty of vampires in this story, I will have plenty more races, even ones far below the radar (Redcap in chapter 3).

Now for Raphy, I know the whole dead parents thing is quite generic, but as it all unfolds in chapter 2, I hope you'll find I went on a little different route then most. Now for taking life, I am reserving his first kill for a much more dramatic antagonist, i want it to be a huge step when he does take his his first life.

Anyways thanks for taking the time for such a large review on my work, I already finished chapter 2 and chapter 3 (save for the cover) so pull ur punches cuz i couldn't apply ur suggestions in time DX
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:53 pm

No worries. If I can help, it's all worth it.
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Tue Jun 08, 2010 12:33 am

From my experience with imageshack, there's no folder to organize your uploaded images. I can be very wrong on this matter, but I suggest you take consideration in using Photobucket or DA to rightfully claim this comic as your own. Though, I doubt people will steal it, but some may take the plot.

(This was typed before I read it)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 2: "Maybe Godfrey should have come along."

"Dammit Julius! Don't compare me to that uptight jerk! Honestly, there was only one monster I couldn't slay!"

Page 3: "My name is Raphael Esposito, a thirteen years old hunter-in-training. Edwin, Ada, Julius, and I are one of the few hunters in Europe. We keep humanity safe from the creatures of the night. I was taken in shortly after one of them killed my parents about a year ago. This is going to be my fire for the mission."

"The monsters used to only hunt secretly in the shadows, but now they seem to publicly scourge the nearby villages they reside in. I don't know why, but all we can do is try our best to stop them at all cost."

"We're here, folks."

"Fighting monsters close range is a bit dangerous for a kid."

"Gonna need ammo too."

Page 4: "Your sentence is long overdue."

Page 7: "Now, people shall start dying!"

"Blood tastes the best when mixed with fear..."

Page 10: "All yours, Raph! Finish him off."

"Impale his heart to kill him!"

Page 11: "Well, I'll be... you guys did it."

"I retrieved your arrows and the cross from your rosary, Raph."

"As hunters, the well being of humanity always comes first. The more time you remorse, the more time it allows those fiends to kill you."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that I'm done with my editor mode... time to comment. I like how you gave them height difference when all four of them stood side-by-side. However, Raph and Julius (or is it Edwin?) are a bit too similar in the second page. I had to stop and think about who was who. I like the different pose you tried. The scenario. The angle. You also paid closed attention to background and clothing as well, that was another thing I liked ;3

As Tiduseya said, the panels are a bit.... off. There are times when I had to backtrack to go back onto the right path; however, I will not suggest numbers, that is just plain ugly.

The vampire's teeth in the fourth page seems a bit too close together (and I realized later on that it is your style, so I became quite okay with it). We like the shot and the feel of it.
Omg, it's a guy XD -thought it was a girl from the first two images of Lucien-

He reminds me a werewolf............. transforming..... lovely details on the transformation and the close up side view of him~

Why does he look angry? He should be scared..... =/ Expression does not match!

The panel where it shows him being underneath and you gave a different view of the angle... it looks like the monster is being shot from the back as well. Took me awhile to realized what was going on. You might want to use some action lines in that triangle panel to show more depth in the arrow shooting. That, or make the line that separates the panel a bit more bold (a bit mess wouldn't hurt).

Eleventh page, it looks like Edwin is crying, lol.

Nice cliffhanger ;3



Lastly, put them as images and use the spoiler tag... it makes previewing the comic so much more easier.

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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Tue Jun 08, 2010 12:53 am

Thanks for the feedback, Asakura,and i do have a DA account, anyways, I'll be sure to post the second chapter tomorrow, fire away then XD
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:11 am

Can't wait for the second chapter then~ ;3
You need an editor.... ;<

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Majeh: and shirohana is asakura, and i\'m her bitch


Quote :
Quote :
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How are you dancing while I\'m raping?
Which half are you raping is the question.
The 3rd half
.... what body part did that third fall under as? o_O;;;;;;
That\'s for me to know and you to never find out.


"Now we're having a fight about where to look for this fuckin' kid who's standing right there!" --Louis CK
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:26 am

-stares at Asakura-
Editor?
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Tue Jun 08, 2010 2:28 am

>__> If he does not mind a harsh one and if I have time when he asks for help~

_________________
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Quote :
Quote :
Quote :
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How are you dancing while I\'m raping?
Which half are you raping is the question.
The 3rd half
.... what body part did that third fall under as? o_O;;;;;;
That\'s for me to know and you to never find out.


"Now we're having a fight about where to look for this fuckin' kid who's standing right there!" --Louis CK
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Tue Jun 08, 2010 3:54 am

I have read the already. I think you need a tablet and to colorize the thing but I like it. but I do not like the large soul stealing eyes. no amount of story will change the freaked out level they give me.
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PostSubject: Re: Hunters of Venice: Pilot   Tue Jun 08, 2010 2:07 pm

Well, I love all the feedback I can get, Asakura, just don't tear me up too much -_- these are pretty much rough drafts, oh and the eyes aren't changing Robert so tuff.
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