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 Living Shadow

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Living Shadow
RP Team
RP Team

Number of posts : 79
Age : 23
Reputation : 3
Registration date : 2008-10-24

PostSubject: Living Shadow   Fri Nov 07, 2008 7:55 pm

Name: Lucid Varnepp
Shadow Form Name: Living Shadow
Gender: Male
Age: 22
Race: Human/Shadow Being
World: Earth/Shadow Realm
World Description:
1. Shadow Realm- Not yet truly introduced.
2. Earth- The year 2015, where shadow beasts have found a way to get into the human world, and are slowly invading while hiding from the police and striking at midnight without caring how many witnesses there are.
Affiliation: Currently a Shadow Hero
1. Human Form-
- Black hair that goes down to the bottom of his neck in the back and right above his eyes in the front.
- Red eyes
- Tan skin
- 6'4, 178 lbs
- Always wears black shirts, pants, gloves, and shoes.
2. Shadow Form-
- His face is covered by the shadows caused by his hooded cloak.
- Always wears a hooded black coat, with black gloves and boots.
- Pure red eyes that glow under the shadow of his face.
- Carries a black sword with red on the blade edge


Chapter 1

He started out as a young man traveling through the world. When he went to see his father, who was a scientist, he went to his lab. Lucid could not find anyone, except a small, dark beast. It was like a miniature, pure black human, with piercing red eyes. As Lucid stared at it's eyes, he was mesmerized. The creature vanished, and reappeared right in front of Lucid. The beast swirled, and turned into a large, eye-like red and black portal. He went through the portal without a thought. All around him were swirls of red and black, and he was standing on nothingness. He could literally feel the darkness around him, and then a deep voice rang out from no where.

"I, the high noble of the shadows, the seer of all shadow beings, the ruler of the shadow realm, and true controller of the Dark Eye Portal, have chosen you to be the next shadow realm traveler. You shall have the powers of darkness and will be able to control the Dark Eye Portal at will. You must track down and destroy the shadow beasts. One more thing. That beast was your father...he is gone now. He, too, was a shadow realm traveler, but was captured by powers unknown, so you must complete his job. You came as a clueless human, and you leave a sorrow-filled shadow being out for revenge."

A dark sword with red at the blade edge appeared in Lucid's hand. Suddenly, the realm around him faded away, and he was back in the human world. He was still gripping the sword, but when he saw his reflection in the smooth ice where his father was once concealed, he was shocked. He was wearing a dark cloak that covered his face except for the pure red eyes that were now his own; looking back at him. He used empty rooms in the lab as training rooms to test his powers. His shadow powers were unbelievably amazing. He could create shadow energy spheres and turn them into an energy beam. Also, his blade could multiply for a limited amount of time. There were so many possibilities, he didn't leave the lab for days. He was scared to leave because of his appearance, but used the Dark Eye Portal to get to larger building-tops. After scoping the cities around him for shadow beasts and failing, he returned to the lab.

"How can I return back to normal?" he questioned in his dark, beastly voice.

It was getting late, and Lucid was tired of just sitting around. He was a traveler, and now he was just stuck in a stupid laboratory. By now he was aware that this wasn't a dream, and he had mixed feelings of excitement and fear. How could he, some one who had never done anything in his life, battle experienced shadow beasts. Lucid remained sitting on the floor, looking at the ice, still wondering about how his father could have concealed his powers. He must have been able to change from human to shadow being, but how? Lucid fell asleep on the floor, but was awoken by a noise outside.

"What was that?" Lucid inquired, with fear in his tone.

He got up quickly and moved towards a window. Outside, he saw a creature walking down the dark streets. It was a turquoise creature with baggy, black pants, and dragon-like wings. His head was bald, his eyes pure red, and he couldn't have been more than 5 feet tall. Lucid began to back away, but then remembered his father.

Lucid snuck out of the door, and got closer to the beast. As the creature began to turn its head towards him, he pulled his sword back, began to charge a shadow sphere on the end of it, and thrust it outwards, watching the sphere begin to lengthen out into an energy beam. The beast flew into the air, and dark energy surrounded his body as he dived down. When the beast got close, Lucid swung his sword at him, but the beast vanished, leaving behind an aura of dark energy, that slowly faded. He reappeared behind Lucid and shot a small blast of dark energy at his back. Lucid was knocked forward, and looked behind himself. The beast was using some small device to create a portal. The beast disappeared behind the portal and it started to close. Lucid shoved his sword into the portal and was sucked in.

He found himself in a world unlike any he had yet seen. The ground was a light, rocky brown. The buildings were tan, decaying rock with open windows and rotting wood. The roofs were flat, and no one was outside, though soft noises of scurrying were heard from inside the buildings. Lucid looked around, and saw the shadow beast flying to the right of him, towards a large, black tower, with a spiked grey gate and red-tinted windows. Lucid ran towards the beast, shooting shadow beams, but not being able to hit the evasive little devil. When the creature flew over the gates, Lucid began to slow down. When he got to the gates, he was puzzled. They were at least 20 feet tall, and there was no gate. How could he possible get in? He tried to create a Dark Eye Portal to the other side, but it only led to Earth. He realized by now that he must be in the Shadow World, at the center of the rebellion.
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Number of posts : 924
Reputation : 27
Registration date : 2008-08-19

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Race: Human

PostSubject: Re: Living Shadow   Mon Mar 02, 2009 12:24 am

I definately like your style but the number one thing you need to work on is your vocabulary. While you were very descriptive, it became repetitive and bland.

The number two issue is your Character Interaction. The Deep Voice pretty much took over the plot by laying down everything flat out. It's a quick method to give information to the reader but lacks the real feelings that should have coincided (Confusion, Fear, Defiance, Disbelief).

You also should have used a better resource than a Sprite for the appearance. I understand you may have lacked the ability to get a better picture. In which case, you shouldn't have used a picture at all. Providing a picture to the reader does one of two things: Either establishes a model or destroys the model created through the reader's imagination.

That's about all I have to say about this. While it may seem I just tore this apart, please understand that I respect your ability and commitment to the Character!
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